Journal

This is the first time I’ve ever used a website like this. I plan on this to just be a journal entry of some of the thoughts that I have been having recently. A lot of it has just been school related; grades, exams, internships. It has been somewhat stressful to keep up with all of it, but I plan on having everything sorted out by the summer. I am still hoping that I can find some work to be better prepared for graduation. For example, I have been going online to find resources to better my technical skills with Linux, as I want to get myself invested into the cybersecurity world. Along with this, I have tried to follow the CyberArch program here in UGA to understand a lot of concepts that I have not been introduced to yet, like being able to communicate with clients and understanding what needs to be done in order to better an entity’s defenses. It’s a bit of work, but it’s something that I know I will be thankful for in the future.

A lot of my mind tries to focus on school, and I’ve always done a good job maintaining good grades. That being said, I have never really liked school. It has helped me in so many ways, but it was never something that I really enjoyed. I have met all my best friends there and I have learned so much from it, but the actual work itself will feel like a hassle sometimes. There are days where I just want to sit and not worry about it anymore. The feeling usually comes up around midterms and the end of the year, where it’s the final push to the end. It turns out to be a lot, but it isn’t a new feeling to me by any means. I never really feel motivated to do any of the work, but I force myself to do it because I know that it’s something that needs to be done. It feels more like an obligation than actually something that I want to learn. However, my time in school is almost over, and I’m sure that when I actually get a few years of work experience under my belt, I’ll miss every single second of it. At least that’s what everyone tells me.

I think the times I miss the most were in high school; nothing really notable happened during that time, but it was more of the fact that I had no responsibility whatsoever. I only had a small group of friends and I didn’t do a crazy amount of extracurriculars, but it was nice to see that I could get away with putting little to no effort in my work and still succeeding in class. I could get away with so much more and have lots of fun at the same time. I think back sometimes, wondering if anything would have been different if COVID-19 didn’t happen my junior year. Would I have met more people? Would I have changed as a person? Would I be where I am at today? I get in my head a lot about hypothetical questions. It’s something I need to get better at. At the end of the day, it doesn’t really change anything to look back at what I could have done in the past. I feel like it turns into something like regret, which is something that never feels nice. I need to do a better job at letting things be and focus on what’s in front of me. For now, it’s just school, finding a job, and making sure everyone I love is alright.

It’s hard to let go of those memories, especially since a lot of them were very nice. Nowadays, my friends and I don’t get to see each other as much. It usually comes down to scheduling; some have work while others have to slog through classes. Whenever we see each other, it’s great. I think it really shows that I need to not take a lot of these moments for granted. As much as I would love to just live in the past, I need to trek forward. I should make new memories now. I assume the best way to do this would be to keep myself busy. I think finding a new hobby or getting better at something that I already do would be best, whenever I have the time. Exercising is fun, but I hate doing it alone. I should probably find the courage to go to Ramsey alone instead of doing a lot of my workouts at home, since a lot of the equipment there is better than what I have here. Soccer is another thing I have been getting back into. Ever since I broke my ankle, I’ve been a lot more careful with playing and a lot less reckless. I think these two things go together well, and should be things I get myself busy with; working out to make my body stronger so I can play soccer with a little less worry about getting injured.

There is definitely a lot more that is going through my mind right now, but I think that would be a little too personal, especially for a school project. I’ll end it with this; I have a lot of personal flaws that I now know I need to improve on. I have to understand that I cannot let my my pain and errors in the past affect how I should feel in the future. I need to take them as lessons, rather than making them an excuse to feel some type of way about things. It will take time, and it will take a lot more than just acknowledging that I have to be better. I have to be proactive, whether that means doing better on my own, looking to others for help, or finding other methods to get back control of my mind. I don’t know how long it will take, but I have to start now rather than later.