Ima’s Birthday

Dear Ima, 

 First off, I know this is a couple of days late, but would it really be something from me if there wasn’t a little procrastination? Realistically, it was either gonna be a couple of days late or written with ChatGPT. Now, if you’re wondering what you’re about to read, this is basically gonna be a letter of just a tiny piece of the gratitude that I have for you, but it obviously won’t cover everything. This isn’t gonna be the most formally written thing in the world, because I’m gonna try and recount 18 years of memories without having exact dates for everything. I’m not sure why I feel myself about to cry, so I hope I can make you cry by the end, too. Happy Birthday, Yom Huledet Sameach, and let’s get started.

I: Early Life (Birth – ~ 3rd Grade )

There’s not much I can really say about this time in my life because I don’t remember a lot, but there are still a couple of things. Literally, my first two memories in life involve just you. The first is at a zoo of sorts, and I was looking at this magnificent white wolf. The second was a little more grim, as it was me crying in the bathroom while you were cleaning off my pacifier. I truly am sorry that you never got the daughter you wanted, but like I always say, I don’t think you’d be able to handle a Yeshiva League daughter, so you’re welcome to that. And I am also sorry that I was crying that whole car ride back from the hospital after I was born. And now that I’m thinking, I don’t think I’ve ever really thanked you for quitting your job and career just to take care of me, really. One of the hardest things for me growing up was having to be practically an only child after all my brothers left, but at least I can always look back and have Ima present and active in all my memories. And you definitely left your mark, because before I got that first haircut, I had that same Lannister look you have with the curly blonde hair. Unfortunately, I didn’t get any height genetics from you, so we had to create those artificially. But not only physically did you help me out, I’ll never forget sitting on the couch with you as you tested me on multiplication tables for annoyingly long periods of time, which of course led me to be the best in my class. Or also when you helped me remember how to spell “Dinosaur” by explaining to me that it’s spelled the way it’s pronounced in Hebrew. That also reminds me of the countless books you read to me, leading me to be an avid and elite reader from a young age. Specifically, I remember Mr. Popper’s Penguins (I think multiple times), that one Hebrew book with all the different cats, Corduroy, Goodnight Moon, and many, many more. It wasn’t only these small things you helped me with, though. I’m sure we both remember when I freaked out after thinking about what happens after death, and you stayed by my side until I stopped crying and shaking. You explained to me that it wasn’t for me to think about, and that everything was going to be fine. You also had to cater to my likes from the beginning, and I’ve really always been the same. Probably the best Chanukah present I ever got from you was Lego Batman, and I just remember feeling pure euphoria and playing it all night (which was probably till around 10 PM). I know there’s so much more, but I feel like I’m gonna write a lot for when I’m older, so I’m gonna move on here.

II: Tween & Early Teens (Previous-Eighth Grade)

Moving on to my conscious years, I’m sure these were pretty annoying for you. I think every single year, with both my teachers, you had to hear about how Eli was such a great student, but how he couldn’t stop talking and interrupting the class. Especially from Morah Shoshana. The thing is, I honestly believe that the teachers were always under-exaggerating it to save your Neshama. This was also probably the beginning of you having to deal with stupid trends. I remember begging you to buy me fidget spinners when that was a thing, so we promptly went to the dollar store to buy some. Oh boy, and now that I’m thinking about it, this was the beginning of you having to listen to me rant and rant. I’ve made you watch so many Lakers, Packers, and Kentucky games that you’re practically a diehard fan at this point. And there is nothing like randomly asking you to name 5 NBA players, and you honestly usually surprise me. Also, all the times I’ve re-explained to you why Snape and Anakin Skywalker are the two best-written characters of all time, I have got to have you as a Harry Potter and Star Wars expert. I’m glad that through all this we could still have our fun together, like that time when we went to Madame Tussauds together and you waited to take a picture of me with all these celebrities that I barely knew who they were. The most forgettable part of this time was likely you having to drag me out of bed every morning, and I really do apologize for that. One of my favorite things about this time, though, was Purim. This was back when I didn’t think I was too cool to dress up, and I could go around with my mom (who always had the coolest costume) and give Mishloach Manot to all of mine and your friends. There are a ton more examples like that, but I wanna get to more important things. Around COVID, two major events happened in my life: Aba began to work in Chicago, and I started to develop real friends and a real friend group. Let me talk about that first one. As I entered the years where I became a real human, I found myself stuck at home with just my mom. I think this is really the point where we grew to become as close as we are today. You were forced to raise a new teenager all by yourself, and he happened to be one of the most difficult ones on the planet. At least because of this, you got some more control over me, as now you were forced to give me a Brach-Eh every Friday night instead of Aba’s bracha. Clearly, you didn’t have enough control because I didn’t cut my hair, shave, and I think even shower for months at a time. And during this time, you also started to plan my Bar Mitzvah, which you obviously had to adapt into a Covid version. I specifically remember laining more of Parashat Behar than I had learned the Shabbat before my actual Bar Mitzvah, and I was embarrassed because I didn’t lein well since I hadn’t learned it. When you saw that, you hugged me and told me it was fine and nobody actually cared, since you knew I’d lein my actual Parsha perfectly. Now we’ll move on to me starting to have friends. Thank G-d, during this time I had lots of friends, which was the start of me going out of the house more. Rather than complaining that I was gone too much, you’d encourage me to leave every opportunity I could, because you knew it was best to maximize the limited time I had as a kid with my friends. It also didn’t hurt that you took a particular liking to one of my friends, seeing her as a perfect candidate for an Aishet Chayil, even more so than the girl I went on to date for like ten months. This was also the time I was applying to high school, which reminds me of this funny story. It was the day the decisions were coming out, and for some reason, I was actually nervous about getting in. You were obviously telling me there was no reason to worry, but still, when I got in and I tried to react nonchalantly, you yelled Mazal Tov and gave me a big hug. And this reminds me of in 7th grade when I finally made the Yavneh basketball team, and you celebrated with me like I got drafted to the NBA. There’s probably so much more, but I know this next part is gonna be long, and I don’t want this to last forever.

III: Actual Person Years (High school till now)

This part should be the easiest to write about, since these were easily the years we were closest. The bad thing, though, is that it started out pretty rough for me. First, you started to work again. I was so used to coming home every day to my mom waiting for me to ask how my day was, and I took it for granted. Naturally, when you got home, even though you tried to hide it, you clearly were a little more tired because of a long day at work. And some of the time, you even came home after me. And this was also during the time when Aba was still working away from home in Florida. Second, there was my trouble with friends. In Freshman year, I think I spent 99% of Shabbats after the new year started alone. I didn’t want to tell you about it because I was embarrassed and I didn’t know what you’d think of me. Which was obviously stupid looking back. Once you started asking me more often why I wasn’t going out more, I reluctantly gave the whole spiel, not knowing what I’d hear. But thankfully, you were just reassuring and told me what I wanted to hear. Even though it was partially my fault, you just blamed everyone else and had me thinking I was perfect. And the end of freshman year was extremely difficult for me, but I always had my best friend that I could go to, that being you, obviously. But I really should’ve done more with you (this is a common theme that we’ll see) during this time, like watching more movies with you, going to the lake more, and just spending time with you. I’ll take about that more later. And thank goodness things started to get better for me right around Sulam, which does remind me when you cried in the airport when I came back, even though when I went to Morasha, I was gone for longer periods of time. One of the best parts of getting older for me was the development of you from strictly being my mom into being who I consider my best friend too. There is an infinite amount of things I can talk about here, so I’ll try to mention my favorites. I’m definitely gonna miss forcing you to play a little mini-basketball with me every time you stepped in the basement, or at least making you watch me make a few shots. And you would fall for the same trick every time, where I’d make you measure yourself in comparison to the hoop and then proceed to dunk on you. Speaking of measuring, another good part of getting older was definitely growing to tower over you, which caused you to have to prove to me that you were actually 5’4 or 5’5 or whatever lie you came up with. Minibasketball actually almost ended our relationship, though, as I’m sure you remember. When I absolutely crossed you up and you fell over and started yelling “Gadiiiiii, Gadiiiiii”. Ah, how fun it was to make fun of your accent by repeating almost everything you said in an annoying voice. And also making fun of our unfortunate Polish heritage, coming from your 99.9% genetic background.Furthermore, this is probably a good time to thank you for teaching me to walk around with my back bent like the letter C for all of eternity. But this basketball stuff leads to the fact of all the things (at least I think) you did just to be a little more relatable to me. Like sending me sports news and articles even though you obviously should’ve known that I already knew that at least a full day prior. But that’s ok, and I’m happy you did. Though I should say that I did catch you watching some games alone at times. And I’m also happy that you got Instagram and started sending me reels. If you’d like now, you CAN follow me, and I will allow it. If I’m being honest, too, when I’d go back and watch all of them, a few would genuinely make me chuckle. And now we’re up to my personal favorite part. Around this time, I discovered the beautiful thing that is the shmoop. I know you don’t fully understand what it is, and that’s because you are not supposed to. And yes, while you are Shmoop, shmoop is still a verb too. Not only is there Smoop, but Shmeep, Shmerp, Shmink, Peesh, and more stupid variations I’m forgetting. Even if I regret not spending enough time with you, I can proudly say that I never tried to be cool enough to not need to hug and kiss my mom all the time. I know you say that you’re always willing to give a hug, but we both know that I may have dragged it out a few times and driven you crazy. Especially with shmushing your cheeks together in the way you said all the Savtot in Bnei Brak used to do it. But after all, you do credit the gray hairs you’ll one day get to me. Even though we both know that I’ve kept you this young through all these years. Speaking of giving you gray hairs, I’m sure all the money I’ve spent will have definitely taken its toll on you. As I got deeper into high school, like a true private school kid, I needed all the most expensive name brands and all the nicest shoes. By the end of senior year, I think 90 percent of my closet was made up of Nike, Lululemon, and Allsaints. Especially the thousands of (honestly, unnecessary) dollars we spent on Yeshiva clothing. But as I said earlier, you wanted a daughter, so I guess we can look back on all that and say that I saved you some money. On the other hand, though, besides the money you spent on me as a parent, I think I probably owe you about $10,000 in unpaid dues as well. But whatever. Now, we both know that music is one of the most important things in my life, and I’m happy that I’ve given you many recommendations and lectures that you listened to (most of the time) willingly, even though you didn’t have a choice. The amount of The Weeknd, Drake, and Tame Impala you’ve listened to at this point basically makes you an avid listener. So when I finally made a playlist with old-timey songs before I drove to Boston, you finally had your chance to put me on to some of your own music (like Amanda). And when I showed you videos on how some songs were made or anything of the sort, you’d listen and watch even though I know you probably didn’t care much. And this also caused you to always have problems connecting your own phone to the car, even though the problem was always easily fixable. And while I’m at it with your car, I was one of the only kids in senior year who still had their mom drive them to school a couple of times, causing you to not have a relaxing morning. And even though you were obviously mad for a bit, you still always drove me, while I played my own music. But there were still a couple of things I did for you, like playing Codenames even though you were easily the worst teammate to have. I still don’t understand how I gave you the clue, President, and you hit Tie over Washington. But really, you’re presence was just always a warm thing. Like I’ll miss walking into my room and just seeing you sitting on my bed waiting for me to come and talk. And even if we just sat in silence there for a while, it was still better than being alone. That’s why when I was studying, I’d call you to come upstairs for a bit to watch me do a couple of problems. After writing all this, it really makes me think about being the favorite child. I think I’ve asked you that question over a million times, and even though we both know who’s number one, I hope I can sit firmly at number 2. The best birthday present you ever gave me was calling me your favorite on my birthday this year. One reason why I can see why I wouldn’t be your favorite is because of all the fake (and maybe real) fighting I’ve hit you with over the years. I must say, it is scarily satisfying to give you a nice, aggressive smack on the shoulders. And even though it’s a little weird when you retort by trying to pinch my bottom or something, I’ll let it slide and won’t inform CPS. Speaking of aggression, these were the years when you also had to start listening to all my ideas and philosophies when it came to Game of Thrones. I even made you watch a couple of edits on TikTok that I thought were cool. But even though you had to put up with me treating you like a best friend too often, you still firmly remained my mother, and it showed plenty. I remember when I had problems with all sorts of different classes, and you would test me on the review sheet until I memorized not only all the answers, but the questions too. And I’ve had multiple tough relationships throughout the years with various people, and you always helped me through it, no matter what position it put you in. One specific thing I remember was this year, actually. When I ate sushi that was sitting outside in Frisch for like three hours, and I violently threw up later in the middle of the night. I felt terrible because you guys had to go clean up my room, but you told me that it was normal and assured me that everything was fine. And there are an infinite number of more examples I can scour for more. But when my Promposal went off schedule, and I had those flowers lying around, there’s a reason why I gave them to you and said it was because you were the only important female in my life (I wasn’t thinking about the Saftas or Ortal at the time, I guess).

IV: Future and Ima’s Impact 

Now I’m entering easily the hardest year of my life. One major reason for that is that I’ve had my mom alongside me my entire life. Whether it was about which college I should apply to or how long I should set the microwave for, I could just ask Ima, and she’d always be there for me. Now, I’m forced to ask a madrich who has no idea what he’s talking about, usually. And I know you can say that we can FaceTime, but it’s really not the same. But I’m not gonna make the same mistakes I did when I was younger, specifically at keeping in touch, in person and not. What I’m saying is that you’re still gonna be seeing a lot from me. Inevitably, as I get older and go to college, then get married and start my own family, I will still call my mom to ask her stupid questions all the time. And maybe I’ll be doing that just as an excuse to be able to talk to her for a little bit longer. And let me go into detail about that last part. Thank G-d, the girls that I’m friends with are really amazing, but I’ve had my few experiences with girls, and none of them were true marriage material. And now (not now now, just sooner than later) that I’m gonna be really looking for a woman that I can love and one that I’ll need to raise my children with me, I can always look at the blueprint for the perfect mother and Aishet Chayil that is my mom. And one day, I know my kids are gonna be the luckiest grandchildren in the world when they have a Safta that’s gonna delusionally spoil them without even thinking twice. And I know you’re somehow gonna love them even more than you love me, which genuinely makes me jealous. But hopefully by this time, I will be paying you a yearly salary to live in my basement or guesthouse, so that you truly won’t be able to get rid of me. Because on that first day of Shraga, not being able to go find Ima and just bother her for no reason really left a pit in my heart. And maybe that’s a pit that’s never going to be filled again. And you should know that one major reason compelling me to stay in YU is so that I can always be a short Uber away from you and home. And while you can be very sensitive and annoying, you really are nothing short of a gift from Hashem. Abraham Lincoln once put it perfectly, stating that “All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.” You are loving, patient, supportive, kind, intelligent, nurturing, compassionate, selfless, wise, understanding, protective, encouraging, devoted, gentle, and generous. I wish that when I’m an adult, I can be half the person you are, because I know that would grant me a one-way ticket to the highest levels of Shamayim when the time comes. There’s a reason why all my friends genuinely love and adore you, some even going as far to say that they wish you were their own mom. You radiate love and kindness that make any sane person want to stay closer to you. This brings me to my biggest regret, which is anytime I’ve ever yelled or disrespected you. Probably every single time was because of me and me being upset, and I always felt like bleep after the fact. I know that you do everything for me, and I’d be absolutely nothing without you. I have no right to ever be mad at you, even if I see it fully justifiable, purely due to the incomparable number of things you’ve done for me. Which brings me to a bit of a more somber point, another one of my biggest regrets. Except it wasn’t really in my control. As much as I love being the youngest with all the attention on me, I can’t help but envy the extra time that Daniel, Ori, and Dor got to spend with you. And as selfish as that sounds, hearing all the stories and experiences they were able to do with you really makes me wonder how many more memories we would have together if I were there too, and also makes me wonder if I took the time I had living with you for granted. The only thing that gets me out of that depressive state of mind is to think back on all the memories we share, and realize the extent of joy and comfort that you have caused me. Even if it means looking back on funny videos that I took without you knowing, I promise it feels reassuring for me. On a more serious note, there is no denying the passage of time. I am now 18, and you are now 60, which makes both of us pretty old. The thing is, though, because of our liveliness, I know we’ll never get serious to a point where we still have our fun together. I know we’re never ever gonna stop laughing together. Even if it’s me making you laugh 99% of the time. And even on the day of my wedding, when I see you crying inevitably, I vow to make fun of you for acting like a baby or something like that. You know that I’ve never liked change, and even though you’ve tried to show me that it can be beneficial, I’m going to stand my ground here. With the exception of only talking more, I want our relationship to be the same it is now in 60 years. After all, you did only just hit halfway (wink wink). It feels weird trying to end this whole thing because I feel like I haven’t even expounded one percent of the impact that you’ve had on my life, but ten pages isn’t terrible either. So here goes. Ima, from the moment I was born, to my Bar Mitzvah, to my graduation, to my eventual marriage (iy’H), to the birth of my children, and more, you were and always will be by my side. You always say that if my head wasn’t on my shoulders, I wouldn’t be able to find it, but the truth is, it’s only there because of the screws you placed there in the first place. You really hold my life together, and there’s no denying it. I know I don’t say it enough, but I love you so much, and you are easily the most important person in my life. Even though you are really short, I look up to you all the time. Now that the decisions I make are getting more important, I tend to go into every single one thinking “What would Ima do?”. I owe you a lifetime worth of thanks and return, and I really don’t know how I’ll ever repay you. But the thing is, I know you did all of it expecting no return, because that’s who you are. But anyways, I swear to make you proud by being the best father, husband, neighbor, friend, and man I can be, all in honor of you. You really are as close as it gets to being perfect, and you are an angel woman, mother, and everything else. They say love makes life beautiful. Well, your love made my life possible. Every bit of light in me comes from you, and I hope you know I see you in every good thing I do. I love you so much, Ima, and I always will.

IV: Epilogue

I definitely did cry once or twice while writing this.