Dear diary,

I will never forget this day, the day that they told me the truth. The day that I understood why my brother won’t come home ever. And especially, I will not forget the fact that my father suicide because of me ! Yes, because of me. Of course that he is a terrible man, but why ??

Why he killed himself.  I am feeling guilty at the moment  and I am scared that I won’t forgive to myself ever. He was my father, and just like he said : ” a father is a father ! “. Even though  he has the responsibility of the 21 pilot’s death, and he did terrible things, but he did it for me, for my mother, for the whole family !  I can’t forget the sound of the shoot, and what my mother told me after. She told me to live. She told me not to take the responsibility of my father’s death. But actually, I feel so responsibility to it

He did it because of me ! I am sure about it. How the hell my mother expect from me to live ? How the hell she is thinking that I have no responsibility for it ? And how  she is thinking that I should continue my life, he was my dad. And no matter what he did, he was my dad and I was his son, and now I understand that you should be with your family and not go against them. You should support them, I should support him, just like he did to my family. How I expect from him to go to the jail ?? I really don’t know what happened to me that day, but I am sure that I will not forget this day ever, and I know that this was the worst day in my life. I hoped it was a nightmare, but it didn’t. It was real.

And what I will do know, actually I don’t know, but I have a feeling that I will not be so far from my father, and I’m going to see him soon.