Mel’s Ten Tips on Choosing a Lobster
Copyright © 2020
I’m guessing you are reading this book to receive my best tips on how to choose a lobster in order to eat said animal. I’m saying that because they don’t make terrific pets.
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Lobsters should be ‘feisty’. They should flap around when you grab them (grab them carefully in case they are very feisty). They should have their own strong opinions on the American elections. If they voted for the other party, boil them. If they support yours, put them back in the water. Not your bathtub, the ocean.
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Check whether the lobster trying to trick you by playing dead. Most people will throw a lifeless lobster back in the tank. I say you should check by asking it a difficult question. For example how much is 2+2 in base 3. If it knows the answer, it’s sure to tell you.
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Lobsters have pride when it comes to their own intelligence. If it does get the correct answer (11) then boil it for sure. What a great way to get even! After all, you can’t legally boil people who are smarter than you.
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Lobsters should not smell like rotten fish. If they do, then something is dead wrong. On the other hand, lobsters are so smart that sometimes they will try to trick you by applying scents. Some people will smell them, promptly throw them back in the tank and go vegetarian. My recommendation is to ask them what perfume they are wearing. Lobsters are very vain and will always tell you their fragrance. When they do, boil them.
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Note: The fragrances evaporate during boiling so they will not affect your culinary experience.
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Don’t ask a lobster how old he or she is. It’s a waste of time. The old ones will tell they are 50 years old. The young ones will lie and tell you they are 50 years old. Beyond that, asking anyone’s age is impolite. Would a lobster ask you how old you are?
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Don’t waste valuable time asking your lobster about past and current diseases. They will always tell you that they are carriers of Vibrio vulnificus. Most are lying, but I suggest you boil them sufficiently anyway.
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Don’t ask your lobster about its execution preferences. In a poll of 1345 lobsters captured off the coast of Newfoundland, 97% said they would prefer any method of execution over the ‘being thrown into boiling water’. This included techniques such as electrocution, brain mashing and chopping them in two.
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So if you consult with them prior to cooking them, you may feel guilty when you drop them in the boiling water anyway. Moreover, their muscles may tense up when talking about their imminent death. You want them soft, don’t you?
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Finally, if you think that this is a serious book about choosing lobsters, then please don’t. That is my best tip by far.
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Published: Dec 23, 2020
Latest Revision: May 14, 2021
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Copyright © 2020
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