Conversations with Fudge – Dog Tales

To the memory of our first dog, Elvis, who had a soul….

And our second dog, Fudge who loved to sing…

Fudge:So what is that powerpoint presentation you’re working on?

Mel: It’s a talk about barking.

Fudge:What’s motivational about barking?

Mel: I want to teach people to get out of their comfort zone, overcome their fear of looking silly, grab their destiny, and bark bark bark

Fudge: That’s pretty silly, if you ask me.

Mel: Hey, you sing every time I play my sax. And that isn’t silly?

Fudge: Dude, I sing because I feel like singing.

Mel: Exactly, I want people to bark because they feel like barking.

Fudge: Sorry, it won’t work with people.

Mel: What do you know about people?

Fudge: Humans are ridiculous. They are embarrassed about every little thing. They’re afraid to leave home naked. They’re afraid to smell each others’ behinds. They poo in the house. Need I go on?

Mel: That’s not fear, that’s part of domestic civilization.

Fudge: What? You’re saying dogs aren’t domesticated?

Mel: Of course you are. Before we tamed you, you guys were just wild dogs and wolves.

Fudge: So say you domesticated us, twenty thousand years ago.

Mel: Give or take…

Fudge: So I’m domesticated? You call me domesticated?

Mel: In a manner of speaking.

Fudge: What manner is that, dude?  What manners do I have? You guys dress up when it’s boiling hot outside.  Look at me, man.  I burp and fart in public.

I’m cool as a cucumber, strutting down the sidewalk, everything hanging out in the breeze for anyone to admire.

Mel: Almost everything, actually.

Fudge: Yeah, and what was that all about? What about informed consent?

Mel: Be civilized.

Fudge: Screw civilized.  Isn’t it time you were a little less civilized, dude? Let’s see YOU walk out of here naked, stroll down the sidewalk, pee on the lamppost and sniff a woman!

Mel: I would be making a fool of myself, maybe even get arrested.

Fudge: See? You’re afraid of letting your hair down. Even in your own home. You’re the one who should try barking once in a while.

Mel: Woof, woof…

Fudge: With all your heart, dude.

Fudge: That’s better. Now watch me.  See. I’m peeing on your expensive speakers.  See that?  Now I’m taking a wet crap on your Persian carpet.

Mel: You’re disgusting !!!

Fudge: Now that’s what I call BARKING.

Coming up next : Inventions 101

Fudge: Hey, boss!!

Mel: What’s up, doc?

Fudge: There you go with that rabbit thing again.

Mel: Sorry,  kiddo.

Fudge: Now the goat put down. Never call a dog ‘kiddo’, either, kiddo. It’s doggone demeaning.

Mel: Sorry.

Fudge: Hey, doc!!

Mel: Yes.

Fudge: That’s much better.  Listen, I got this hot idea for a patent.

Mel: Dogs can’t register patents.

Fudge: You’ll register it in your name. We’ll split the royalties. Nobody will ever know.

Mel:What? Open a joint bank account?

Fudge: Don’t be facetious. Just listen to this fabulous idea. Ready? Here it comes: A platform so dogs can climb up and take a crap on a toilet just like humans. We’ll make a fortune. What do you say?

Mel: That’s disgusting. You think that I’m ever going to crap on the same toilet as you?

Fudge: Technically, we wouldn’t actually be sharing the same seat. By the way, I find the idea of sharing a seat with YOU pretty unhygienic.

Mel: Unhygienic? And what is hygienic about the way you dogs clean yourselves afterwards?

Fudge: At least we don’t smear the poo around our anus with paper like you guys.

Mel: There’s no chance any human in his or her right mind would want a dog toilet platform so dogs can poo in the house.

Fudge: Discrimination.

Mel: The next thing you know you’ll be asking for a doggie chair so you can join us at the table for dessert.

Fudge: Ya, that too.

Next:  Doggie Bags

Fudge: Are you guys back from the restaurant?

Mel: Yup, great dinner.

Fudge: What’s that you got in your hand?

Mel: It’s a doggie bag.

Fudge: Doggie bag? For me? How very kind of you.

Mel: Actually it’s for us. It’s our dessert. Cheese cake. We were too full to finish it.

Fudge: I’m not.

Mel: You’re not what?

Fudge: Not too full to eat some cheese cake.

Mel: It’s not good for you.

Fudge: Not good for you either. When was the last time you looked at yourself in the mirror?  Profile, I mean. Full body.

Mel: It’s all muscle.

Fudge: Funny muscle. It bounces up and down when you walk. Looks like fat to me.

Mel: I’ll diet when I feel like dieting. No way you’re having that cheese cake.

Fudge: “Doggie bag” my ass.  Humans are such hypocrites!!

Next:  Dog-gevity

Fudge: What’s this thing about dog years?

Mel: Dogs have a life span of about fifteen years.

Fudge: What, so like one year for humans is like seven for dogs?

Mel: More or less.

Fudge: And then I’m history? Yesterday’s news.

Mel: Yup.

Fudge: Do I get a burial? A gravestone? Anything?

Mel: Unlikely.

Fudge: Any way of  beating the odds?

Mel: Sure. Quit smoking.

Next: The early worm

Fudge: What’s that line about the early worm?

Mel: You mean the expression?

Fudge: Don’t get pedantic on me, pretty please.

Mel: It’s “The early bird gets the worm.”

Fudge: What about that early worm?

Mel: I guess it gets eaten by the early bird.

Fudge: Worms are disgusting creatures, I reckon.

Mel: You do like birds, don’t you .

Fudge: What does that have to do with it?

Mel: Well you eat birds and birds eat worms!

Fudge: I guess that means you like crap, piss and mud.

Mel: No way. Why?

Fudge: You’re so daft. I’m guessing you think that bacon is a veggie.

Next: Adoption

Fudge: Am I adopted?

Mel: What do you mean?

Fudge: Don’t beat around the family bush.  I mean are you my father and is Mom my mother?

Mel: In a way.

Fudge: So then that means that I can sleep in a regular bed like my brother and sister?

Mel: No.

Fudge: Can I have a weekly allowance?

Mel: Of course not.

Fudge: There you go. I knew you weren’t my biological parents.

Mel: Of course not. You’re a dog, and we’re humans.

Fudge: At least that explains your funny little ears and inferior sense of smell.

Mel: Hey, we’re much smarter than dogs.

Fudge: That’s only because you guys are the ones who compose the IQ tests…

More quirky conversations with Fudge: