There once was a warty old ape
who had a strong urge to escape
so he cut out a mask
(a laborious task)
and he covered himself in a cape.
Though he’d never been pretty or cute
(in fact some even called him a brute)
in his super-ape guise
he caused quite a surprise
when he played on a magical flute.
On his magical flute he played scales
in the offices, cafes and jails
and the villians and crooks
turned to library books
filled with tales where the good guy prevails.
when he knocked out an old ragtime tune
there was no one considered immune:
it was far too appealing,
the thieves stopped their stealing
and danced ‘neath the light of the moon.
Well I hope that this tale I relate
will induce a convivial state
for I’ve just heard it said
that the ape has got wed
to a chimp after only one date.
There once was a lazy old frog
who live in a tropical bog.
Ever eager to sleep,
every lurch, every leap,
every croak was considered hard slog.
But a frog has to croak to attract
any mate (this is plain simple fact)
and each froggy Don Juan
will do all that he can
or some jerk will but in on the act.
Yet he sat there and watched life go by
till he stuck out his tongue for a fly
but the fly was too quick
and the tongue wouldn’t stick
so the weary old frog gave a sigh.
But the fly had a friend close behind
and as juicy a fly as you’ll find;
he was cursing his luck
when the tongue quickly stuck
(in a bog life is often unkind).
On a lillypad froggy then rested
as reward for the effort invested.
Just one solitary scrap
gave him reason to nap
till the morsel was fully digested.
He awoke on completing his rest
with a rather large swell of the chest
and the noise he released
travelled west, travelled east
and the ladies were hugely impressed.
I once had a haughty Dalmatian,
far too proud of her breed’s reputation.
till some wee scabby hound
started sniffing around
and she suffered a fall in her station.
I once had a wily old Whippet.
If he had a lead he would slip it.
When I dragged in the mutt
for the cruellest cut
he departed before they could snip it.
I once had a plump Pekinese
who was rather a spreader of fleas.
Any guests that I had
would start scratching like mad
if the Pekinese lay on their knees.
I once had a golden retriever
who attacked next door’s Pug with a cleaver.
The owner went wild
and the coppers were dialed
but they weren’t too inclined to believe her.
I once had a killer Cane Corso
who had quite a remarkable torso.
When somebody asked if
he hung like a mastiff
I replied: Yes he does, only more so.
I once had a clever Red Setter
who addressed his concerns in a letter.
He declared: As a match
your not quite up to scratch
and a gerbil would suit you much better.
I once had Lancashire Heeler
who got hooked on Tex Mex and tequila.
Though a heeler no doubt,
they are prone to the gout
so I needed a barrow to wheel her.
I once had a Tennessee Brindle
( The price that they charged was a swindle.)
By the time she ran off
with some literary toff
our affections had started to dwindle.
I once had a beautiful Bassett
and each day the neighbours would pass it
When some girl with a Collie
was awfully jolly
it turned out that I owned quite an asset.
I once had a Xoloitzcuintli
The wonderful Winifred Waring
had looks which were truly ensnaring.
An enchantress was she
for a decade or three
but today she is rather past caring.
Lonesome George was was a hundred and thirty
when he wed a she tortoise called Gertie.
For as far as I know
they’d been taking it slow
and for fifty odd years they’d been flirty.
A young pleasure seeker called Neville
met a vampire madam at a revel.
With her lips ruby red
she said – let’s go to bed
so he slept in her crypt – dirty devil.
A gnome known as Dylan O’ Dockery
was often the victim of mockery.
What he did with his rod
was considered so odd
it embarrassed the whole of the rockery.
A Pontypridd forward called Keith
had lost nearly all of his teeth.
He punctured an organ
while facing Glamorgan
and cracked seven ribs against Neath.
A cowboy from Southern Missouri
committed a crime in a fury
but he put on such airs
with a click of his spurs
he impressed both the judge and the jury.
There once was a slugger called Rocky
who’s figure was markedly stocky
He was down on his luck
but a timely right hook
left Apollo Creed feeling less cocky.
There was a young fellow called Walter
whose wisdom was likely to falter.
He blew all his cash
on a Halloween bash
and got himself slain at the altar.
There was a young fellow from Bern
whose ashes were kept in an urn.
Although he had stated,
‘I won’t be cremated.’
I guess he’s not going to learn.
There was a young lady from Reading
who wrote verse to the men she was bedding.
Her odes made her proud
so she read them aloud
to her family and friends at her wedding.
There once was a a pop star called Bradley
who tried to sing sweetly, but sadly
the audience booed
and disaster ensued
but I’ve heard that his mum loves him madly.
There was a young lady called Ellie
who wanted to be on the telly
so she pogoed away
from Carlisle to Bombay;
now they say she’s a star in New Delhi.
There was a young lady called Marge
whose bum was as big as a barge
but the neighbours applauded
when she was awarded
for having a bottom that large.
A poet who lived in a garret
wrote sonnets of love to a parrot.
“These romantic words
are just wasted on birds”
he declared to a fly in his claret.
A sergeant sang out to his garrison
and plucked the sitar like George Harrison.
But the men found him trying
when his yogic flying
was rather a flop in comparison.
There was a young fellow from Ealing
who decided to live on the ceiling.
A shrink was enlisted
who quickly insisted:
The choices we make are revealing.
The elves all decided to strike
and Santa said, “Do what you like!”.
But the very next day
was beset by delay
when he did the whole round on his bike.
I once made a statement of love
with the help of the angels above.
A sonnet was written
for I was quite smitten
but Deborah gave me the shove.
It took me a while to recover
but then I took Jane as my lover.
The muses returned
but my sonnet was spurned
so I’m buggered if I’ll write another.
There was a young fellow called Janus
who liked to store things up his anus.
When we went for a beer
he produced from his rear
a guitar so he might entertain us.
It is said that the Great Alexander
is history’s finest commander.
He invented male bonding
to stop lads absconding
though some folk believe that is slander.
A cocky young fellow from Sparta
declared to the world ‘I’m no martyr.
So hear my assertions,
I’ll batter those Persians
with 300 lads for a starter.’
There was a young fellow called Vint
who went on the game for a stint.
He charged all his mates
quite reasonable rates
and ended up horribly skint.
An elephant never forgets
Especially outstanding debts
So if you’ve been rash
And owe one some cash
Expect to get menacing threats.
I once knew a girl called Veronika
who I met in a bar in Salonika.
With my love at its height
we embraced every night
while she played Delta blues on harmonica
I once had a date with Ferrari
who I met in a nightclub in Bari.
She was slim, she was pert
so I paid for dessert
but went halves on the fresh calamari.
I once met a beauty called Carley
at kickboxing contest in Bali.
We played hard, we played free
till she walked out on me
for some bloke who rode past on his Harley.
I once met a diva called Vicky
but the wicket I played on was sticky.
It was when she undressed
that he finally confessed
that he carried a hod for a brickie.
I once knew a lady called Mabel
but I’d label our Mabel unstable.
At an annual feast
she ran off with a priest
who was placed at a neighbouring table.
I once knew a girl called Bianca
who encouraged her lovers to spank her
Though not really my scene
(if you know what I mean)
I will take this brief moment to thank her.
I once knew a girl called Mikaela
Who could swear like a Liverpool sailor.
Though her mouth was a sewer.
I continued to woo her
but could not do a thing to curtail her.
I once knew a girl called Louise
who lived life with such consummate ease.
Though her morals were loose
they were put to good use
way way down in the Dodecanese.
There was a young lady from Leeds
quite attached to her rosary beads.
The confessions she made
left the priest so dismayed
that he told the whole pub of her deeds.
There was a young lady from Derry
whose motto was: live and be merry.
She’d strip to her knickers
for randy old vicars
while serving communion sherry.
Those barbarous brutes Burke and Hare
were such a calamitous pair;
quite lugubrious if
they dicovered a stiff
but were wise enough not to say where.
A ghoul who lived up in an attic
was quite a keen fitness fanatic.
But raw flesh I surmise
makes the blood pressure rise
and cholesterol levels erratic.
A redneck from Banks Alabama
was rather held back by his stammer.
Though the problem was cured
when the moonshine was poured
it had little effect on his grammar.