Bernard the Bogeyman lived in a shed.
He only came out when the town was in bed.
His outlook was gloomy. His manners were coarse
and he lived on fat worms served in bogeyman sauce.
And sometimes he mixed them with bits of green mould
but that’s what a bogeyman eats (so I’m told).
Bernard the Bogeyman sat in his shed
and he wished that he lived in a castle instead.
His shed was quite grotty. It leaked when it rained
for bogeymen’s sheds aren’t repaired or maintained.
So one night he sat there and shivered and shivered
until in his anger our Bernard delivered
a strange cry of anguish which shook the whole shed.
Though no one could hear him the bogeyman said,
“They live in that castle surrounded by treasure
with lackeys who serve them affording them leisure.
O destiny’s horrid! O fate is unkind!
I think that I’ll give them a piece of my mind.”
So over the hill our brave bogeyman trekked
and he got a result which he didn’t expect.
Though his outlook was gloomy and his manners were coarse
the folk at the castle received his full force.
“My shed is too grotty it’s really not fair.”
Our Bernard declared to the company there.
“It’s falling to pieces.” he said, then explained
how his head got quite wet every time that it rained.
The lord of the castle was awfully well bred.
Lord Edward Smythe-Farrington, (friends called him Ted).
He’d a passion for species endangered or rare
and thought snakes and spiders
deserved special care.
He listened intently to Bernard’s address;
a woeful entreaty (but calm nonetheless).
A life that was hideous, harsh and infernal
was shared like a bard quoting notes from his journal.
Though tigers and rhinos are on the decline
the bogeyman faces the end of the line.
Though their manners are coarse and their outlook is gloomy
they still need a home that is quiet and roomy
where the wind doesn’t blow and the roof doesn’t leak;
where a bogeyman rests after scaring all week.
So Bernard said bye to his grotty, old shed.
He was given a luxury cellar instead;
quite dank and quite dreary, quite mouldy and grey
but Bernard the Bogeyman likes it that way.