Mel’s Ten Tips on How to be a Successful Salesperson

Successful salespeople make a lot of money. People respect other people who make a lot of money. So if you want to be respected, I suggest that you become a salesperson. Unless you want to sell coffins or insurance.

Salespeople believe in their products. A salesman at the British museum told me that this was a rubber duckie from ancient Egypt. He told me that a pharaoh’s son played with it thousands of years ago. I bought a few. Do you want one?

A salesperson should know a lot about his or her product. If you are selling pianos, you should know how many keys a piano should have (88, I counted).

This is a Steinway piano. If you are selling Steinway pianos, your customer will probably know more about pianos than you do.

A perpetuum mobile is a machine or toy that never stops working. Never. Some people will tell you they don’t exist. Here is one. Would you like to buy it?

A good salesperson tells you the truth about a product. A great salesperson makes up the truth. I would buy this pigeon if you told me that it can count out loud and will never make a mess in the living room.

I bought this car from a great salesman. He told me that it once belonged to Bonnie and Clyde.

A great salesperson once sold me a flying airplane for only ten dollars. But it was just a postage stamp of an airplane. He airmailed it to me.

Now that you have read this manual, you are ready to be a salesperson. Here is your first assignment. Please sell one hundred of these for one hundred dollars each. If you succeed, please give me half the money. After all I taught you, it’s only fair.